Well, well, well…
So I wish I could blame my humongous hiatus of the blog writing variety on my crooked, bent and demented left index finger. But that injury happened weeks ago; whereas my last blog entry was posted May 10, 2011 (and I hardly even wrote most of that one!) So maybe instead my painful typing impediment is just karma for keeping any of my loyal blog readers hanging for so long… Yeah like you were lost without my words of wisdom… did you at least miss my cheekiness and smart-assery? Maybe my demented appendage is karma for hundreds of bad wheelchair jokes about having “one arm”… regardless I’m typing in pain, so please appreciate!
So yeah, it’s been a while eh?… Where to begin???
Hi Everybody!!!
… Last year (and I use the term “year” to describe the past school year) was amazing. I don’t think it could have been any better. I spoke more than I ever have in a year; I saw many great parts of North America I’ve never seen before and revisited some I was more than happy to go back to: Winnipeg, Alaska, Southern California, Vermont, Boston, Banff, Vancouver Island… to just name a few… I enjoyed going to, speaking at and meeting everyone everywhere I went. If there was a bad experience, it is clearly overshadowed by all the good because I can’t pinpoint a significant negative.
Last year I also accomplished two huge goals of mine: speaking in S California and speaking on the main stage at the SADD Nationals, held in Chicago, Ill. Yep, it was a doozy of a year. I think my presentations were at their best, and the amount of people reached and touched last year blew me away! I must’ve received at least a couple thousand emails and Facebook messages, and as far as I know I responded to everyone. It actually was a little overwhelming at times! Yep. It was one Hell of a year!
But by the end of the school year I was feeling absolutely run down and out of gas. The amount of travel I was doing week after week after week started to take its toll on me, as did the ever growing pressure I felt to try to respond to an ever growing email load. It’s funny though. I remember it was almost like I was watching some of my more hectic moments from the sidelines simultaneously as I was living them. Like I would take a step back, ask myself can I keep this up, ponder the answer for a while (well aware I was burning out), and then dive back in for more. It’s hard to turn your back on people when they reach out to you for help.
It all pretty much took over my life and became almost like an addiction for me, in that I just couldn’t stop or slow down. Many days I would spend an accumulative 15, 18, 22 hours between the travel, speaking, writing… and if I had a chance, I’d sleep. I remember two different occasions where due to travel, time changes and early bookings I set my alarm for 1 hour and 2 hours of sleep, and then I put in another 20 hour day the next day, speaking twice, driving, flying… It was knarly! It got to the point where four hours of sleep were a good rest for me. Coffee became my fuel each morning. And the ever growing amount of positive feedback I was receiving from people provided the motivation and inspiration to keep going when I felt like I had no more to give. It was super intense, to say the least. Have I said that already?
Now I am not looking for a pat on the back or sympathy here. I am just stating the way in which the year ended. I recall finding comfort during some of those knarly long days or road trips thinking “Rock stars do this. They perform every day of the week in different cities.” Then I’d think, “But they don’t perform twice a day! They don’t travel solo either.” Truly I was burning the candle at both ends. But as always, I knew that if I just hung on and persevered I would pull through and have a summer to chill.
Now I hope this doesn’t come across as me bitching. I am not trying to. I pride this blog on being an honest slice of life, and I truly believe that the reason I have been gone from these pages for so long is because I needed a very long break. A break to recupe, reflect and re-evaluate everything.
So as summer approached, things were still moving at a rapid pace. I had my busiest June ever speaking-wise. June was also a month where my speaking range was tested. Besides speaking in the familiar venues of schools and conferences, I found myself presenting to an older set of ears in a number of LaFarge gravel pits around the Greater Vancouver area. It was a different audience for sure, and actually pretty cool! It was kind of like coming full-circle in a way since before the crash I had worked in a gravel pit. My career goal back when I was 21 and walking around was to be an electrician. Now 11 years later I find myself speaking where I used to work to people doing the job I had once planned to do. I definitely had some moments in the gravel pits this June where I wondered “what if?”… It made me think about the chair for sure and the contrast of careers.
Probably the ultimate presentation of the year and my speaking career was presenting in Chicago at SADD Nationals. This was as big of an opportunity as I’ve ever had, and I went in guns a blazing! I remember feeling like I nailed the presentation. I think I got, not one, but two standing ovations in The Windy City. In the aftermath of my formal presentation I was approached by countless students, teachers, advisors and others from all over the USA asking if I would speak in their respective schools, cities and states. It was awesome for sure! And I remember feeling so stoked at the perspective of going to all of these new places and meeting all of these new people and having yet another epic year ahead. But at the same time I also felt a bit unsettled… Maybe it was just me… I actually think it was probably just me… But I was definitely questioning a recent choice I had made and it’s possible impact on the future of my speaking.
Here’s where it all began…
May last year: me, my girlfriend Jen (who was a new girlfriend at the time), my buddy Nick and his girlfriend Tia took a trip to Vegas. It was a decadent trip. A punk rock trip… The BYO Punk Rock Bowling Tournament was actually in town. We found this out after booking our trip, so learning of the punk connection was a sick surprise! I think it’s safe to say we all had a blast. The days were short and the nights were long. It was hardly an educational trip, though I did learn a valuable lesson in the debauched desert oasis: What happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay there. Now, thankfully, my lesson wasn’t reminiscent of Jeffrey Tambour’s characters fatherly advice from the first Hangover movie. Nope. Thank Hank I did not come home with an STD. I did come home with some marks on my body though; ones that would stick with me for life.
I’m not sure if it was a 1/3’s life crisis (I’d hate to think I’m at the halfway point); maybe a hedonistic act of rebellion, possibly a way to take back a part of the life I felt I had in many ways given almost entirely and selflessly to others in the past months. Maybe it was inspired by this trifecta of reasons (oh and add some silly juice too). Whatever the reason or reasons, Well past midnight on the first night in Vegas, after watching Guttermouth play some dingy punk rock bar, I rolled my butt into a tattoo shop on Freemont Street and got four little letters tattooed across my knuckles that would forever change my image. For better or worse is for you to decide. Nope. It isn’t JWYT (Just Wiggle Your Toes – a motto from my presentation I had previously considered as my first tattoo)… Umm think a little less motivational. Fortunately not as bad as either of Steve-O’s timeless knuckle masterpieces (look those up yourself if you don’t know). I decided jokingly but 100% sincerely to forever be branded with an acronym that me, many of my friends and even a few in my family: mom, cousins Donna, Wade, Kyla and others had been tossing around. Yep. I forever branded my right knuckles G F Y S.
Now maybe some are shocked as you read this. Maybe some of you are wondering wtf does GFYS stand for??… Maybe some are wondering what does WTF stand for? Figure it out. Let’s just stick with GFYS and say it’s open to interpretation. Go Find Yourself is one possible meaning, and you can stretch that one a bit and likely figure out what I was aiming for.
Now bare in mind, I am a motivational speaker. Maybe you already thought of that. And if so, you probably also thought of the fact that I hold a mic with my hand as I speak to countless people each year. Suddenly that hand that holds the amplifier of my motivational wisdom is branded with four letters. Four letters which to some may seem a little contradictory to the inspiring words being propelled from my mouth. These thoughts definitely have crossed my mind. Maybe a conflict of interest. Maybe not. I’d like to think not. But I can only really speak for me here.
I recall being really stoked on my new tattoo until roughly and precisely the following Tuesday: My first presentation with my new knuckle art. I remember speaking and at the same time looking at my hand. I wondered should I hide it? Should I crack a joke about it? I don’t normally second guess myself on stage or at all really, so this feeling was not one of comfort. At worst I felt kind of like two people - a bit torn… But as I reflect now it seems almost fitting because over the past years I have felt torn before over rowdy me and inspirey me (love making up words – my blog – my rules!).
First off, I’d like to say, I don’t regret the tattoo. Actually I have no regrets period. I choose to learn lessons rather than harbour regrets. In fact, I think my tat’ is hilarious. And for anyone that knows me, and I mean really knows me, they probably aren’t totally surprised I got it. And likely any who are shocked are not altogether shocked because shocking people is something I have always enjoyed doing, and by knowing me you would of course know that. This has been going on for years! One example: Back in grade 8 I got my buddy Chris Beeksma to shave a four letter word beginning with F into my undercut (undercuts were also called skater-cuts circa the early 1990’s). I thought I was pretty badass. My mom was CHOKED! My dad wanted to strangle me. I freakin’ loved it! And really, who was I hurting? Yep, I have always had a rowdy, unpredictable, saucy side that keeps life interesting and keeps those around me guessing. Maybe not everyone reading this knows that because I can’t exactly show you and tell you everything when I am say speaking to a room full of teenagers, BECAUSE there is a level of resposibility that comes with being a respected motivational speaker with a story that can change people’s lives. I try to balance both. For me. For you. Can I be both? But sometimes I wonder where to draw the line between the two? I gotta tell ya… I am not a saint. Never was a saint. Never will be a saint. Never have or will claim to be a saint. In fact I’d love to litter this blog with F-bombs, but it might offend someone somewhere who decides I am not a good influence. Once labelled as a bad influence, I might not get that invite to give the presentation that could save however many other F-bombers F’n lives because they’re F’n F-bombers too who only relate to an F’n F-bombing F-bomber like their F-bombing F’n selves. There are certain parts of my lifestyle whether it be the music I listen to, my true demented sense of humour and what I find funny and entertaining; my beliefs, my values, my definition of right and wrong, what I might want to do with my free time, etc that others may not agree with. How do I please everyone and still be happy with myself. Here is the live wire (Rad Motley song) I perpetually try to balance upon.
Some people have asked me “will that tattoo affect you speaking?” I say I don’t know. I hope not.
I’ve actually been wearing gloves to most presentations this year, but I can’t say I feel good about that move. I understand that there is a level of censorship that comes with speaking to youth. And depending on where I am this censorship can be increased or decreased. Some would call it knowing your audience or conforming to the masses, which I have to shiver a bit as I write because punk rock F-word headed me never wanted to conform, and GFYS knuckle me obviously still doesn’t really either. But conformity and compromise probably will get me further than stubbornness and confrontation. Happy mediums. Life is all about em! I begrudgingly accept. But does G F Y S cross the line?
In a perfect world, I could just say whatever I want whether I am holding a mic or not; whether I am chatting to teenagers, or hanging with my friends or family. Just give’r eh! But even though this wouldlikely go over great with some (I’m pretty confident most teenagers aren’t as sheltered as some would like to think) , it would surely upset others. And likely those I upset would be the ones who make the choice to bring me back or recommend me to others. A friend once said “teachers with their students are like a mother bear with her cubs. They protect, and if you show any signs of threat you will get torn apart.” Fair enough.
I try to not piss off teachers and administrators. I wouldn’t say I try hard. I am much more concerned with the youth relating to me, respecting me and trusting me than getting some administrative types ginchies in a bundle. I believe this edge I have is what makes me a refreshing change from the average high school speaker. I don’t even know how many times I have heard “I thought it was just going to be the same old don’t drink and drive, don’t do drugs, waste of time assembly where I put on my iPod and zone out for an hour while my butt goes numb, but yours was different. I ACTUALLY LISTENED. I ACTUALLY LEARNED SOMETHING.” I’ll go on the record right now and say when people stop listening and learning I will stop speaking. I am actually pretty tired of hearing me speak. I do this for others. Not me. But I do have to do some things to keep me sane and to keep me… well me. So where is the balance?
Just how much of uncensored me is appropriate probably depends on the school, the city, the state or province or country. Everywhere is different. Some places I just give’r… let er fly… a few indiscretions are overshadowed by the important, potentially life saving lesson learned by the students wh HEARD me. I have also been places where I feel like I am not able to just tell it like it is. There have been recent times when I have travelled a long way from home only to learn the expectations of me and what I am about to say are not exactly who I am and who I was hoping to display. But someone just flew me across the country and rented me a car and put me up in a hotel, so I have to respect their wishes. Sadly I often feel at these times like something is lost in the translation of who I really am and what I truly want to say, and that what of is expected of me and what I end up saying. Ever watched the movie Good Fellas on a primetime tv chanel. Sucks eh? Ever heard a real kickass song on the radio where they beep out that curse that really just drives the point home? Loses something doesn’t it. I’m not saying I want to swear my face off in my presentations. These are just my best examples I could think of. I’m trying to make a point how censorship of any kind buggers me up.
This stuggle has been weighing heavily on me lately – heavier this school year than ever before. I keep second guessing myself. I feel apprehensive about just letting er fly. And this makes me feel off my game. It’s freakin November and I am still trying to find my groove. Before each presentation I look at my hand and think of this awesome GFYS joke for my presentation, then when push comes to shove I worry it’ll be considered too far? I chicken out. I play it safe. Then later I usually leave the school and wonder when I became such a wimp that I started to worry about what others think so much. I turn my stereo down a bit because it might be too loud for the people parked beside me at the red light… Ugghhh. Did I really just do that?? I didn’t used to worry about offending someone or saying or doing the “wrong thing.” And I never started this gig to be this poster boy for something someone else wants or believes, especially if that doesn’t reflect what I want or what I believe or who I am. I used to feel secure in the balance… Maybe not always, but for the most part. And before when I felt these feelings of turmoil I could usually figure it out pretty quickly and save face. Lately when I contemplate these things I actually feel tired. I’ve even considered throwing in the hat and changing paths more than a few times in the past couple of months. And that really tears me up. This thought scares for many reasons. Years ago I gave up the educational direction I was pursuing and a good job to speak full time. I put all my eggs in one basket, so to say. And I did so because I thought it was the right thing to do and the best thing to do – for me and for all of the people I could reach. I don’t like to bail on anything. I don’t like to quit. I always FIND A WAY. And even as I write these words and express doubts I have had I do know that at the best of times, I am doing something that I love, that is important to many and that brings me more purpose and happiness than anything else I know.
I have been returning to this blog for a week: writing, editing, cutting, pasting, deleting, writing, editing… Writing these words is my way of not only expressing myself to you who read them, but also how I am bringing myself to understand what it is I am feeling and what it is I am going to do about it. I’ve considered scratching this blog altogether, but I haven’t and won’t because deep down I know I need to put this out there. I know that as I think outloud via writing and simultaneously read between the sometimes contradictory sentences and paragraphs and lines I write there is something of deep meaning, value and significance here. Maybe not-so-much for you. Hopefully though! Definitely for me. I find writing and articulating my feelings and thoughts allows me to sort them out. I suggest this exercise to a lot of people who write me when a relationship ends, a loved one dies, they’re dealing with depression, whatever… I find it so therapeutic to write. If I can’t work it out in my mind. I work it out in some creative form. My creative form is writing. You are getting a glimpse inside my mind and how it works. Scary eh?
I’ll say at its last edit, this blog was pretty dark. It wasn’t that positive. It reflected how I was feeling at the time, and there wasn’t really any resolve. I had put down a lot of the negative feelings, but hadn’t made sense of them yet or figured what to do next. Then yesterday afternoon a series of events just turned everything around. These ‘events’ were emails and Facebook messages from young people I have spoken to as recently as last year and as long ago as three years ago whose lives were forever changed by the inspiration they took from my presentation. Young people who have cut themselves; young people who have considered and even attempted suicide wrote me yesterday. Four of them did. And it wasn’t like I had sent a message to the world “I am down. Questioning it all. Pick me up!” at least nothing formal or on paper or in the cyber world was written (unless you count my rambling rant two nights ago on Facebook about the abuses of those in power. That could’ve been seen as a sign something was not altogether great for me right now for sure. But as harsh as that rant was I believe it is true, but maybe as my sister said I should keep my politics to myself). Where the F was I? Oh yeah, one by one by one by one these inspiring messages appeared in my inbox yesterday. I read each of them on my Blackberry and felt this resurgence of pride, confidence, motivation and inspiration. These messages reminded me that even if I find myself second guessing my chosen path at times, I need to keep speaking.
Today was yet another reminder that speaking is what I need to be doing with my life. I spoke at Rick Hansen Secondary School in Abbotsford and had over 800 students seemingly captivated, and at the very least respectfully listening for an hour. Many approached me after with hugs and thanks and praise. And the feeling I have been missing and yearning and searching for that I felt so many times last year and in years past came back to me. This familiar and undescribable feeling that makes me feel the highest of highs just filled me up and gave me what I have been missing. It hit me hard. And in such a GREAT WAY! The doubt, the fear, the unanswered questions - Gone. GFYS knuckles or not, I inspired young people today.
People, I really needed this kick in the ass. And now as I feel like the monkey is off my back and that the unrest is finally settled, I’m super stoked on the year ahead. Last year was EPIC. For all that I accomplished and all that I sacrificed and overcame I might as well have climbed Everest. A week ago, a month ago, a couple months ago I felt like I was looking back up at another mountain with no energy left to climb. But I found it. And I AM STOKED! In hindsight I probably needed this challenge to overcome and inspire me to be better. Change is usually pretty scary. But overcoming a challenge is always better than admitting defeat or wallowing in woe. Here is another year, and it’s time to yet again adapt and find new balance - balance I have obviously (from the words I just wrote) needed to find. I’m jacked right now people!!
I am stoked that I have a talk tomorrow with ICBC’s Trade Off Program! I am jacked about the 20 presentations I’ll be giving in the next two weeks in Manitoba sponsored by MPI. I can’t wait to see what comes of all this practice and where my story goes in these coming two weeks. Then after that epic tour I am stoked to speak in Saskatchewan, Vancouver and Vermont to close out November. Then the rest of the year ahead. DUDE! Look out. KEVY METAL is back!!
PEOPLE!!! I hope this blog helped you better understand who I am. It definitely did that for me. And you know what… I plan to kick some serious ass this year and if you don’t get it or dig it… GFYS. I hope you got the joke!
Thanks for reading (The BLOG IS BACK!!)
Kevin Brooks aka KEVY METAL